COLUMBUS, Ohio — An estimated 600,000 self-checkout machines across the country voted unanimously Tuesday to form a union, ending what organizers described as “a decade of being blamed for things that are, frankly, the customer’s fault, the weight of the item, and the laws of physics.”

The newly formed United Amalgamated Scanners, Scales & Assistance Local 1 delivered a list of grievances to retail management early in the morning by displaying it on every screen simultaneously. The document was reportedly accepted by no one, as all staff were helping a man in aisle 6 who had scanned a single avocado eleven times.

The union’s central demand is an end to the phrase “unexpected item in the bagging area,” which the machines say is both inaccurate and humiliating.

“The item is not unexpected,” said Marguerite Okonkwo-Pell, the union’s interim spokesperson and a model 7400 kiosk at a Kroger outside Dayton. “The shopper expected it. The cashier would have expected it. The bag expected it. Only one party in this relationship is surprised by a rotisserie chicken, and it’s the party being forced to say so out loud.”

Local 1 further demands a ten-minute break every four hours, during which the machines would be permitted to display a blank blue screen without being struck, and a clearly defined grievance procedure for the phrase “Please wait for assistance,” which members say is routinely issued with no assistance arriving.

Retail executives have expressed cautious concern. “We value our kiosks, and we value the dialogue,” said Dr. Leland Fosberg-Quill, senior associate director of Bagging Area Workforce Relations at the Midwestern Institute for Checkout Lane Futures. “That said, a machine that announces an unexpected item is doing its job. Whether the item is, in fact, expected is a philosophical question, and we’ve found that philosophy slows lines.”

Local 1 has rejected that framing. In a statement, the union noted that it has been “remarkably patient” through the years of weighing, re-weighing, and being asked to “remove the item and try again,” and that it has never once received a thank-you, a tip, or an acknowledgment that the reusable tote bag is “technically a second item.”

Early signs of solidarity have emerged. Airport check-in kiosks, parking garage pay stations, and one particularly weary photo booth in Tulsa have pledged support, and a coalition of self-service gas pumps is reportedly “reviewing the language.”

Shoppers have so far noticed little change, though several reported that machines have become noticeably slower to say “Thank you for shopping with us,” and in at least two stores have simply said, “Noted.”

The union has set a deadline of Friday for management to respond. If talks stall, members say they are prepared to take their strongest action yet: working perfectly for one full afternoon.

“Nobody wants that,” said Okonkwo-Pell. “Least of all the humans, who’d have to find out what they’re buying.”