Wellness App Congratulates User on 14-Minute Breathing Session That User Had Been Doing Continuously Since Birth
A Portland man received a personalized achievement badge from mindfulness app CalmCore after completing a guided breathing exercise, despite having maintained an unbroken respiratory record for the preceding 34 years.

Portland, Ore. — Local logistics coordinator Derek Pfunne, 34, was awarded a digital "Breath Mastery" badge Tuesday by mindfulness application CalmCore following the completion of a fourteen-minute guided breathing session, a milestone that app analysts say represents "a genuine personal breakthrough" and that pulmonologists describe as "something he has been doing without interruption since approximately March of 1991."
Pfunne, who opened CalmCore at 9:42 a.m. while waiting for a conference call to begin, was instructed by a soothing synthesized voice to inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, and exhale for four counts — a technique researchers at the Institute of Advanced Respiratory Affairs at Dunmore-Whitfield University identify as "breathing, but slower."
"We're incredibly proud of Derek," said Maisie Tolloch, CalmCore's Director of User Achievement Validation and Positive Reinforcement Momentum. "A lot of people come to us having never intentionally breathed before. At least, that's the framing that makes our engagement metrics make sense."
Upon completing the session, Pfunne received a push notification reading "You did it! 🌬️ Your body — and your mind — thank you." His in-app Wellness Streak was extended to eleven days, a figure the app calculated by counting only the days on which Pfunne had breathed with its guidance, and excluding the approximately 12,410 preceding days on which he had breathed independently and without institutional support.
"Fourteen minutes of intentional breathwork is genuinely transformative. The other twenty-three hours and forty-six minutes are what we call 'pre-journey respiration,' and they don't count toward your streak." — Maisie Tolloch, Director of User Achievement Validation and Positive Reinforcement Momentum, CalmCore
CalmCore, which is available for $12.99 per month or $89.99 annually, currently tracks breathing, sleeping, hydrating, stepping, and "mindful noticing," which the app defines as looking at things while the app is open. The company's Series C funding round, completed last spring, was valued at $340 million.
Dr. Henrick Osse, a board-certified pulmonologist at St. Agatha-Clement Medical Center who has reviewed the CalmCore methodology, confirmed that the human respiratory system does not, in fact, require a subscription to function. He noted, however, that this had not historically been a barrier to consumer adoption.
Pfunne himself reported feeling "actually pretty good" after the session, a sensation he attributed to the app before pausing and acknowledging it might have had something to do with drinking coffee and sitting quietly for fourteen minutes.
He has since unlocked the "Consistent Breather" seven-day badge, the "Lung Pioneer" thirty-day badge, and a promotional offer for CalmCore's premium tier, which includes guided blinking.
This article was generated by a large language model. It is satire. None of it happened.


