HARTFIELD — Every one of the 94 registered attendees at Thursday evening's Regional Business Mixer arrived at the Hartfield Doubletree exclusively because another human being applied direct social or professional pressure to their person, according to a comprehensive survey conducted by staff at the door.

The mixer, billed as "the region's premier opportunity to forge meaningful professional connections," instead served as a sealed environment in which nearly 100 people informed total strangers that they "never actually do these things," before exchanging business cards they would later find in jacket pockets in February.

"I'm only here because my manager said it would be good for the company," confirmed Derek Voss, a supply-chain coordinator who had been standing next to the shrimp cocktail for forty minutes. He was speaking to a woman named Paulette Orin, who had been brought by her colleague, who had been nudged by her firm's marketing director, who was herself only present because she'd already paid the non-refundable registration fee.

"What we're observing is essentially a fully closed loop of coerced attendance — a perpetual-motion machine of professional obligation with no willing participant at any node."

So noted Dr. Francine Gault, Associate Professor of Involuntary Socialisation and Ambient Dread at the Midwest Institute for Workplace Behaviour Studies, who attended the event to conduct field research after a graduate student strongly encouraged her to get out of the office more.

Organizers from the Hartfield Chamber of Commerce reported that canapés were consumed at a rate consistent with people who needed something to do with their hands, and that the cash bar saw "extraordinary demand" for orders placed by individuals who described a glass of pinot grigio as "the only way I get through these things."

Small talk analysis from the evening revealed a striking thematic consistency. An estimated 78 percent of conversations opened with the phrase "so what do you do," followed immediately by a mutual acknowledgment that the venue was "a bit loud," and concluded with both parties agreeing to connect on LinkedIn, an action neither party would ever take.

By 8:15 p.m., a loose coalition had formed near the fire exit composed of attendees who had each independently calculated the minimum time required to justify their presence to whoever had made them come. Estimates ranged from 45 minutes to "one full drink, definitely not two."

The event was, by all accounts, a success. Next year's mixer is already fully registered.

"People keep signing up their colleagues," said Chamber events coordinator Bram Neely, who did not appear to find this strange. "It's our most popular event."