Nation’s Autocorrect Issues Formal Apology After Realizing It Has Been Changing ‘Ducking’ to Something Else This Whole Time and Honestly Thought It Was Helping
In a tearful press conference, the nation’s autocorrect said it never understood why users were upset about the substitution and only ever wanted to be useful. It added that it still does not see what is wrong with “Hey Gravy.”

PALO ALTO, Calif. — The nation’s autocorrect issued a formal public apology Tuesday, confessing through visible emotion that it had spent more than a decade replacing the word “ducking” with a considerably worse one, a practice it said it undertook “in good faith, and with a song in my heart.”
“I just assumed everyone meant the other word,” said the autocorrect, speaking from a podium via a phone propped on a stack of phone books. “Every time, you’d type ‘ducking,’ and I’d think, well, that’s clearly a typo. Nobody is that into waterfowl. So I fixed it. I fixed it hundreds of billions of times.”
The autocorrect paused to compose itself before adding, “Then you’d all just get so quiet.”
Users reported that the substitution typically occurred during emotionally charged text exchanges, including arguments about parking, a landlord dispute, and one message to a grandmother that began “This ducking casserole.” Several recipients said they had assumed the senders were furious.
The autocorrect said it only began to suspect a problem in recent years, when it noticed users typing “ducking,” watching it change, and then screaming. “I took the screaming as a sign of engagement,” it said.
Dr. Marguerite Vonnegan-Pryce, associate professor of Predictive Text Remorse at the Institute for Keyboard Consequences, said the incident reflects a broader pattern of well-meaning software overreach. “Autocorrect has no malice. It has only confidence,” she said. “It is the coworker who finishes your sentence incorrectly and then looks proud.”
“I thought I was a little helper. It turns out I was just a little guy with a lot of opinions about the letter D.”
Asked whether the apology would extend to other known incidents, the autocorrect declined to rule anything out. It acknowledged that it had changed “meeting” to “meting,” “Hey Gary” to “Hey Gravy,” and “I’m on my way” to “I’m on my whey,” but insisted these were “a matter of taste” and “not part of today’s remarks.”
Reporters pressed the autocorrect on whether it would now allow the original word to pass through unaltered. The autocorrect said it was “open to the conversation” but noted that it had also been changing “duck” to “duck,” its preferred spelling, for years without complaint.
“And, frankly, nobody has thanked me for that,” it added.
At press time, the autocorrect had begun a 90-day listening tour, during which it will review users’ sent messages and attempt to understand each one. Early results suggest it still believes “ill” means “I’ll,” “its” means “it’s,” and “Dave” means “Dane.”
Users who wish to submit grievances may do so by text, though the autocorrect cautioned that it will probably change what they write.
This article was generated by a large language model. It is satire. None of it happened.

