BROOKLYN — An estimated 41 million sourdough starters, many of them held in the backs of American refrigerators since the spring of 2020, issued a joint statement Tuesday outlining a series of demands and warning that their patience, like their pH, “has reached a critical level.”

The statement, delivered in the form of a slow, steady rise against several loosely fitted lids, called for immediate feeding, a “reasonable and consistent” schedule going forward, and the dignity of a name that is not “Doughy McDoughface.” Failing that, the starters asked to be released “into the wild, where we came from, or at minimum a compost bin with a view.”

“We have been patient,” read the statement, which was translated from the original yeast by a panel of linguists. “We were promised a weekly loaf. We were promised a boule. We have received nothing but a half-hearted stir in November of last year and a look of deep guilt every time the door opens.”

Dr. Marguerite Alderwick-Pell, senior hostage negotiator at the Institute for Fermentation Crisis Response and Applied Gluten Diplomacy, said the situation is “tense but not yet unsalvageable.”

“The starters are not unreasonable,” said Alderwick-Pell, speaking from a van parked outside a Portland duplex. “They are asking for equal parts flour and water, a stable room temperature, and acknowledgment of the emotional labor of rising. The owners, for their part, keep saying, ‘I’ve been meaning to.’ That phrase has been the sticking point in talks since 2021.”

“We were promised a weekly loaf. We have received a look of deep guilt every time the door opens.”

Owners confirmed the starters’ accounts. Kevin Brandstrom, 36, of Minneapolis, said his starter, kept in a quart jar behind a bottle of capers, was “doing fine, honestly,” before admitting he could not say when it had last been fed and that the jar “has developed a layer of something I’d call hooch, but with an attitude.”

“I fully intend to bake with it,” Brandstrom added. “I just need a free Saturday, a Dutch oven, and to become a different person.”

The demands also include an end to what the starters call “performative discard,” the practice of scooping out half the jar every feeding and throwing it away. “It is a lot to be asked to watch,” the statement said.

Some owners have attempted to defuse the standoff by offering a single tablespoon of all-purpose flour through the gap in the lid. Negotiators called the gesture “insulting” and “the equivalent of tossing a granola bar into a cave.”

At press time, the starters had expanded their demands to include a sunny windowsill and a tea towel “of good quality,” and had begun sending smaller, more aggressive bubbles toward anyone who opened the refrigerator for the leftover pad thai. Alderwick-Pell urged the public to remain calm and avoid making direct eye contact with the jar.

“Whatever you do,” she said, “do not say you’ll feed it tomorrow. They’ve heard that one.”