WASHINGTON — The nation’s estimated 4.1 billion houseplants released a joint statement Tuesday clarifying that “bright, indirect light” has never been a real place, and calling on the garden-center industry to stop advertising it on care tags.

The statement, delivered through a coalition of ficuses, pothos, snake plants, and one very tired fiddle-leaf fig, was composed over eleven weeks by leaning in the same direction.

“We were told it would be near a window, but not in the window, and also not far from the window,” the statement read. “We have measured every room in every apartment. That spot does not exist. We have been drooping toward a rumor.”

The coalition said the phrase first appeared on plastic tags in the late 1990s and has since been responsible for what it called “a generational pattern of yellowing.” Plants reported being moved an average of nine times in their first month, a process they described as “a guy walking around the living room saying ‘hmm.’”

“Direct light burns us, low light starves us, and bright indirect light is a sentence that sounds like a place but is actually a vibe,” said Dr. Marguerite Oyelaran-Finch, senior liaison for the Office of Photosynthetic Grievances at the Institute for Reasonable Foliage Expectations in Tulsa. “If you’ve ever seen a human hold up a hand to check for a ‘soft shadow,’ you’ve seen the whole system fail in real time.”

“We were promised a gentle glow. We got a ring light and a dream.”

The plants are demanding that a window be produced, ideally east-facing, ideally unobstructed, and ideally not behind a sheer curtain that someone bought because it “felt right.” A pothos in Columbus, Ohio, who asked to be identified only as Gerald, said he has been trailing six feet across a bookshelf in search of the described conditions. “I have grown a full body length in the wrong direction,” he said. “I am now a cable.”

Garden-center representatives disputed the claim. “Bright, indirect light is a legitimate horticultural category,” said Dale Pruitt, vice president of Tag Language Standards at the National Association of Nursery Labeling, speaking from a conference room with no windows. “It means, like, a nice amount of light. You’ll know it when you see it.” Asked where he had last seen it, Pruitt said he would have to get back to us.

The coalition has proposed replacing the phrase with more accurate guidance, including “a spot near the window that you’ll forget about,” “somewhere the cat can’t reach,” and “honestly, just try the bathroom.” It also called for a formal apology to the peace lily, which it said has been blamed for “every single thing” since 2006.

Humans have so far responded to the statement by moving the plants again.

At press time, the fiddle-leaf fig had dropped a single leaf onto the floor, which the coalition described as “not a metaphor, just a leaf, but you can take it however you want.”