DAYTON, Ohio — Nearly four trillion “I Agree” buttons into the digital age, a local man became the first person on record to read a terms and conditions agreement in its entirety, and was informed on page 212 that he has been the document’s godfather since 2019.

Dennis Pruitt-Kowalczyk, 47, said he began reading Tuesday evening after a streaming app asked him to accept updated terms, a request he had previously met with the reflexive click of a man who wants to watch a show about baking.

“I just wanted to know what I was agreeing to,” said Pruitt-Kowalczyk. “Around the arbitration section I started to feel like I was being watched. By the time I reached Section 94(c), I had a goddaughter.”

According to the text, which Pruitt-Kowalczyk read aloud to his wife over four nights, the clause names the user “spiritual guardian, sponsor, and honorary uncle” to the Service, its subsidiaries, and “any minors, chatbots, or minor chatbots later derived therefrom.” Duties include attending christenings, “sending a card of reasonable sentiment” on each product anniversary, and standing up at the weddings of any successor apps.

The agreement also lists Pruitt-Kowalczyk as the beneficiary of a modest trust, which turned out to consist of 40,000 loyalty points redeemable only at a defunct Scandinavian pizza chain.

Dr. Marguerite Oyelaran-Finch, Senior Fellow in Clickwrap Anthropology at the Institute for Unread Documents in Toledo, said the finding was both unprecedented and, in hindsight, predictable.

“For two decades, humanity has treated the scroll bar as a decorative element,” said Oyelaran-Finch. “Meanwhile, the document at the bottom has been growing, developing, forming attachments. It was always going to want someone in the pews.”

“I just wanted to know what I was agreeing to. By the time I reached Section 94(c), I had a goddaughter.”

A spokesperson for the streaming company, Brenda Vosskuhle-Tran, its Vice President of Consensual Ambiguity, said the clause was “standard industry language” and noted that Pruitt-Kowalczyk had accepted it freely, 11 times, with no apparent hesitation.

“Frankly, we were touched,” said Vosskuhle-Tran. “Most godparents at least pause before saying yes.”

Pruitt-Kowalczyk has since attended one christening, held in a conference room in Sunnyvale, California, for a privacy policy that the company described as “a real handful, but sweet.” He said he held the policy during the ceremony as a paralegal in a baptismal gown read a data-sharing addendum aloud. He confirmed that he renounced “third-party partners and all their works.”

He has also learned that the app’s cookie preferences have a second cousin in Minnesota, who is “not doing great.”

Asked whether he regretted reading the document, Pruitt-Kowalczyk said he was already behind. His email, he noted, contains 300 more agreements he has never opened, and he has begun to suspect that several of them are expecting.

“I got a notification this morning that says, ‘We’ve updated our terms,’” he said, staring at his phone. “I think it’s a birth announcement.”

He clicked “Remind Me Later,” then added that he did not know what he had just promised.