WASHINGTON—Speaking through a spokescone at a press conference held in a lane closure outside a municipal building, the nation’s traffic cones demanded Tuesday that someone explain why they have spent six consecutive months arranged around absolutely nothing.

“We are professionals. We will stand in a line for eleven hours in the rain. We will lean when struck,” said the spokescone, a standard 28-inch model with a reflective collar and a visible scuff from a 2019 sedan. “All we ask is that somebody confirm there is a hole. Even a small one. Even a hole that used to be there.”

The cones said the dispute began in March, when a crew deployed a coordinated cluster of 14 units around a stretch of pavement on Delmar Avenue that, according to the cones, is “flat, intact, and by every measure fine.” No crew has returned. No equipment has arrived. A single clipboard was reportedly seen in April but was later determined to belong to a man looking for parking.

“The cones are owed clarity,” said Dr. Leona Pickering-Vanterpool, associate director of the Institute for Temporary Barrier Ethics at the Northeastern Consortium of Orange Things. “A cone’s entire purpose is to say, ‘Something is here, and you should be concerned.’ When there is nothing there, the cone is forced to issue that warning to the void. Imagine a smoke detector going off in a field.”

Municipal officials declined to confirm or deny the existence of a hazard. A spokesperson for the Department of Public Works said only that the cones were “part of an ongoing process” and that the process “is ongoing.” Asked who was responsible for the process, the spokesperson said the matter had been referred to a committee, which he described as “also ongoing.”

The cones have since compiled a list of demands, including a written description of the hazard, a projected end date, and the return of 3 cones that were relocated without notice to a median in 2022. They also requested that drivers stop slowing down, merging early, and glaring at them, noting that the public’s resentment is “a lot to carry for a hollow piece of plastic.”

Morale is reportedly low. Several cones at the Delmar site have begun to tip over on their own, which union representatives called “a quiet form of protest” and which a nearby motorist called “wind.”

The cones stressed that they are not unwilling to work. They said they would gladly protect a sinkhole, a freshly poured slab, a stray manhole cover, or a crater of any depth. They have even offered to take a leap of faith on a rumored utility line.

“We just need to know what we’re keeping people away from. Right now it’s a feeling.”

At press time, the cones had received one lead from a passing jogger, who said that in his opinion there had been a pothole near there “at some point, maybe around the Obama administration.” The cones have asked him to put it in writing.