BETHESDA, MD — A comprehensive new study published Tuesday in the Journal of Epidemiology and Interpersonal Inconvenience has concluded that people who proudly claim they "never get sick" are not, as previously assumed, blessed with superior immune systems, but are instead operating under a personal philosophy in which illness does not count unless you acknowledge it by staying home.

The study, conducted over four years and involving more than 12,000 participants across 47 office environments, found that self-described "never get sick" individuals contracted colds, flu, and respiratory infections at rates statistically identical to the general population. The critical difference, researchers noted, was that these individuals classified the same symptoms as "a little scratchy," "just seasonal," or "honestly fine."

"We had subjects reporting zero sick days who, during the study period, tested positive for influenza twice, rhinovirus four times, and one case of strep throat they described as 'probably just from talking too much,'" said Dr. Pamela Urdish, Senior Fellow of Contagion Sociology and Workforce Martyrdom Studies at the National Institute for People Who Would Like a Medal About This. "Immunologically, they are unremarkable. Attitudinally, they are a public health event."

"The immune system we were looking for was inside us all along — 'inside us' meaning inside their sinuses, and 'all along' meaning the entire third-quarter planning meeting."

The report further identified what researchers termed "the Announcement Paradox," in which the same individuals who claim never to get sick will, upon arriving at the office visibly ill, make a point of informing all present colleagues that they are "pushing through" — a phenomenon the study notes serves no medical function but does establish a clear social record of personal sacrifice.

Participants in the high-denial cohort were also significantly more likely to describe their condition in athletic terms, using phrases such as "fighting it off," "not letting it win," and, in 14 percent of cases, "sweating it out" — a method researchers confirmed does not work and has never worked.

The study stopped short of recommending specific interventions, noting that direct confrontation of the "never get sick" identity tended to produce a defensive secondary condition the team labeled "performative wellness escalation," in which subjects began listing their supplement regimens unprompted.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said it was "aware of the findings" and asked that Taradiddle not call again before 9 a.m.

Dr. Urdish said her team's next project will examine the related population of people who "don't really do doctors," which preliminary data suggests is "enormous, and doing great, they said so themselves."