WASHINGTON — Dogs across the country demanded an immediate recount Tuesday after a leaked tally revealed that the title of “Good Boy” has been conferred on every single canine candidate, a finding leaders of the dog community called “devastating,” “statistically insulting,” and, in one case, “a lot, honestly, I need to lie down.”

The tally shows that 100 percent of dogs were declared Good Boy at least once, including a beagle who was caught on camera eating an entire rotisserie chicken off a counter and a mastiff who has barked at the same curtain every day since 2021.

“I sat for a very long time to earn that,” said Biscuit, a four-year-old golden retriever who has held the title for most of his life and who spoke from beneath a kitchen table. “I waited at the door. I did the thing with the paw. And now I find out the guy who ate a couch got the exact same words, in the exact same voice? What was any of it for?”

Biscuit has called for an independent audit of the treats, which he suspects were distributed without regard to merit. “Somebody needs to look at the treats,” he said. “I want to know where they came from, who held them, and why there seemed to be so many.”

Dr. Marguerite Oyelaran-Finch, senior fellow in Applied Praise Inflation at the Institute for Tail-Based Governance, said the crisis was decades in the making. “When ‘Good Boy’ was introduced, it was a scarce and meaningful honor, reserved for dogs who had done something, like not bite the mailman,” she said. “Today it is said reflexively, often to a dog that is simply standing there. We are looking at the Weimar Republic of head pats.”

Her research indicates that the phrase is now uttered an average of 41 times per dog per day, a rate she describes as “unsustainable” and “frankly the plot of several economic collapses.”

Humans have defended the practice. “He’s a good boy,” said Dale Pruitt, a homeowner in Dayton, Ohio, referring to a dog who was at that moment chewing the corner off a load-bearing ottoman. “They’re all good boys. That’s the whole point.”

That argument has failed to satisfy dogs, many of whom noted that Pruitt also calls the Roomba a good boy.

A coalition of retrievers, shepherds, and one very intense corgi has drafted a list of demands, including a transparent definition of “good,” a ban on awarding the title to dogs mid-offense, and a distinct, higher honor, tentatively named “Good Boy (Verified),” for dogs who can prove they earned it.

The Humane Federation of Registered Pets said it would review the complaint but cautioned that any recount would be difficult, as most ballots had been buried in the yard.

At press time, Biscuit had been told he was a good boy by a visiting relative, and said he was trying not to feel anything.