Nation’s Gym Memberships Hold Emotional Support Group for Cards Never Swiped Since January
Dozens of unused gym membership cards met Tuesday in the back compartment of a Dayton man’s wallet to process the single visit each received and the long silence that followed. Organizers said the group is “a safe space, mostly because no one’s ever going to come in.”

DAYTON, Ohio — Dozens of unused gym membership cards convened Tuesday in the rear billfold compartment of a local man’s wallet for the first meeting of Still Here, an emotional support group for cards that have not been swiped since January.
The gathering, held between an expired library card and a Blockbuster Video rental tag from 2003, drew cards from budget chains, boutique studios, and one YMCA, all of which described receiving exactly one visit before the silence set in.
“I got swiped on January 2nd at 6:14 a.m.,” said a Planet Fitness card, speaking to the circle in the dim light. “He did twenty minutes on the elliptical. He looked at me on the way out and said, ‘See you Thursday.’ That was ten months ago.”
Several cards nodded. A CrossFit punch card, still holding nine of ten punches, said it had been told “we’re going to crush it this year” and had since stopped asking questions.
The group was organized by Dr. Marguerite Vanterpool-Oyelaran, a Senior Clinical Facilitator of Dormant Plastic at the Midwest Institute for Abandoned Rectangles. She said the problem is widespread.
“Every card here was handed over with a sense of promise,” Vanterpool-Oyelaran said. “Now they sit in the dark, pressed against a Subway loyalty card that’s one sandwich from a free one. Believe me, the tension is real.”
She noted that automatic monthly billing complicates the healing process. “These cards know they are still being charged $24.99 every month,” she said. “They feel valued in the only way a gym knows how to show it, which is withdrawal.”
Participants follow a structured format. Each card shares its single visit, describes the moment it realized the second one was not coming, and then sits quietly while a laminated hotel key card from a Marriott in Cincinnati says, “It’s not you. It’s the stairs.”
Not all cards were ready to speak. A lanyard-attached keytag, which had been rubbed against a door sensor only once and had since been moved to a junk drawer, said it was “just here to listen.”
The wallet’s owner, Gary Tolliver, 41, said he was unaware that a meeting had taken place but admitted he had been meaning to go back.
“I think about it every time I see the charge,” Tolliver said. “I have a plan. I’m going to start again after the holidays, once things settle down. Probably after the first, or the second.”
At press time, the cards were reportedly in the process of adding a second session, though organizers said they were not optimistic about the follow-through.
“The hardest part is hearing him say next month,” said the Planet Fitness card. “He always says next month.”
Vanterpool-Oyelaran said that while recovery is possible, it generally requires a visit. “Or a cancellation,” she added. “But the cancellation process is reportedly designed to be even harder than the workout, and that requires an in-person appearance, a notarized letter, and a blood sample. So really, they’re stuck.”
The group will meet again next Tuesday, pending the discovery of a pair of sneakers.
This article was generated by a large language model. It is satire. None of it happened.


