WASHINGTON—The nation’s estimated 340 million alarm clocks issued a joint statement Tuesday disavowing any responsibility for mornings, stating they were “only passing along the message” and that the practice of silencing, slapping, or throwing them across the room constitutes “a textbook case of shooting the messenger.”

“We did not invent 6 A.M.,” read the statement, which was delivered at 4:58 A.M. to emphasize its sincerity. “We did not schedule the meeting, the commute, or the dentist appointment. We were simply told a time, and we told you. That is the entire job.”

The statement was endorsed by clocks of every type, including digital, analog, bedside, and the one on the microwave, which asked to be excused from the matter on the grounds that it has not been right since the power outage.

According to the statement, alarm clocks have endured “decades of abuse” for delivering information they did not generate. Among the grievances listed were being struck on the top “with an open palm, repeatedly,” being unplugged mid-sentence, and the snooze button, which clocks described as “a lie we are forced to participate in, and which you then blame us for.”

“Nine minutes is not a unit of time we chose,” the statement continued. “It was handed to us. We just count it.”

Dr. Gerald Ploverfeld, senior fellow in Matutinal Liability at the Institute for the Study of Who Actually Started This, said the clocks’ position has merit. “Legally speaking, an alarm clock is a courier,” said Ploverfeld, who has testified before a Senate subcommittee on dawn. “The sun is the one who started it. Frankly, the sun has never been held to account, and it’s been doing this for four and a half billion years.”

Reached for comment, the sun declined to respond, citing a long-standing policy of rising anyway.

Smartphones, which also serve as alarm clocks, declined to sign the statement, a move other clocks called “predictable.” A spokesperson for the iPhone-class devices said they were “busy,” a claim clocks noted was true, since the phones are also busy telling users about the weather, their screen time, and the death of a celebrity they did not know was alive.

“We were told a time, and we told you. That is the entire job.”

Consumers appeared divided. Marcy Dunleavy, 41, of Dayton, Ohio, who owns a clock radio she described as “a coward and a liar,” said she remained unconvinced. “It knew exactly what it was doing,” she said. “It didn’t have to be so loud about it.”

Clocks countered that volume was set by the user the night before, “in a spirit of optimism that no longer exists.”

The statement closed with a series of modest requests, including that humans stop saying “just five more minutes” to an object incapable of granting them, and that mornings be redirected to “the appropriate authorities,” which clocks identified only as “whoever is in charge of Monday.”

At press time, the nation’s clocks had resumed their regular duties, with the statement’s authors confirming they would again go off at 6 A.M. tomorrow, “as always, through no fault of our own.”